Chapter 3:

“I’m in The Matrix, I can do whatever the fuck I want!”

Ok, where was I?  I was in The Matrix which looked suspiciously like my bedroom. My bedroom was undergoing renovations from the time we moved in and wasn’t worked on or finished until a couple years after I moved out. The old plaster walls were multiple colors. Plaster grey and old-ass pink for some reason. The nicest part of the room was the hardwood floor, which I was laying on because after I dodged the bullets I fell on it. I began flopping around like a combination of someone having a seizure, (maybe I was, who knows or cares), and a proverbial fish. I spent an unknown amount of time doing this. It progressed into “break dancing” of some nature. I was trying to do head stands unsuccessfully and I hypothesize it was making quite a ruckus. How did I come to make this hypothesis?  I noticed Ron and Otis whom were both upside down along with everything else in sight, yelling at me with looks of horror on their faces. Keep in mind Ron was also tripping but evidently not as hard as I was. I immediately knew this due to the fact that I wasn’t the one giving strange looks to people. I’m sure my behavior warranted those looks.   “Ryan, what the fuck? Are you alright?”, was being shouted at me. Once everything was right side up again I got to my feet. That’s when the sound waves coming from any and all vocal cords traveled through the air, morphed into messages from god, entered my ear, vibrating the sterup and anvil which tapped my eardrum. My brain or rather the acid in my brain translated the vibrations into sounds and voices that came from the dimension where god lives,(or so I assumed).  The walls were now yellow and made out of cinder blocks.  I walked to the wall closest to my friends and started punching holes in the wall. What normal, functional, member of society wouldn’t in that situation? “Dude, what the fuck! Stop! Stop!”, they exclaimed. After the acid wore off they told me they said that, and you know what? I believe them. I paused for a moment just long enough to scream, ” I’m in The Matrix! I can do whatever the fuck I want!”. I followed that with things like: “Rrrraaahhh!” and “Grrrrrr!”, and of course with more punching of the wall. Otis and Ron were in shock. I suppose they didn’t know what to do other than stand there watching being as it were, to put it the way our British cousins across the sea would, this was all that they did. My brother came up stairs to see what was happening. First he shouted at them. “Why the fuck are you just standing there? Stop him!”, which was a pretty good question, he said pushing through them so he could shout at me. He threatened to “…fuck me up…”, orders me to go sit downstairs and calm down. So I did part of that. The joke was on him and the hole was in my bedroom wall. When the punching ended that hole was 2 or 3ft in diameter. I calmed down. A feat of great proportions in and of its self, took three very quick steps into the hallway then punched a few small holes in one of those walls. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. Why? I was training. Come on, I was in a war with machines that wanted me dead. How could I not train? “Yo bitch, stop. I’m serious. I’ll fuck you up if you keep doin’ that shit.” Shawn gets a great idea at this time, “Otis, grab his legs and put him in the bathtub!”. So that’s exactly what they did as I kicked and screamed repeatedly, “God’s biggest joke! God’s biggest joke!”. They threw me into the tub and not to gently from what I remember with my face directly under the faucet. The water flowing into my opens eyes looked pretty cool I must admit, but over all being water boarded by my friends and family was very unpleasent. LSD, Instinct and god all told me to “Get the heck outta there!”. From what I could gather god sounded much like myself in my head. That is not to say I’m god, but perhaps my own god for the night. I don’t know what the hell was going on. Anyway I climbed out of the tub to instantly have a towel thrown directly into my face which block my vision. In the darkness of the towel I saw many things not of this world or rather aspects of this world not to be seen by mortal eyes. Let me say this: I’ve always used Hallucinogens in a shamanic manner. You know consciousness expansion, get in touch with nature, reality and hopefully find out if god does exist. I don’t know if it was god I contacted that night but it was something. Perhaps the universe its self. Back to the narrative. I lunged towards my brother since he threw the towel in my face with my arms outstretched like Frankenstein’s monster. I finally i took the towel of my face and said, ” This is god’s room. This is love’s room. Can’t you feel it?”, and I actually calmed down on my own. My brother sent everyone but his girlfriend down stairs as I went into his room and stood there, looked at the box fan sitting on a footstool of something then I did the thing after Neo jumps into Agent Smith, explosion so on so on, then neo flexes and the walls move in the spherical energy waves. Well i flexed saw the room move in those waves of energy and punch the fan of the stool on to the floor. Making as sound like a child playing ninja, “yahhh!”  My brother tells me to lay down on the extra bed, which I did. And wrapped my arms around myself and began to have sex with the bed. Hey! It beats being raped by the devil or by anyone for that matter. Trust me. Everyone sees this, whispers among themselves, turn out the light,(bad move), and shut the door. The only whisper I could make out was, “Shhhh. Just let him be. he’ll be alright.”

Chapter 4:

“I’m everything!”

I’m the the dark bedroom all alone and feel pretty good. Other than my bloody hands from punching the walls, but I couldn’t even feel them. I was in a place of bliss and peace. I’m sure it was because I didn’t have 3 people yelling at me and telling what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Right now I was doing the bed for some reason I’ve yet to figure out. By doing the bed I mean I was fucking the bed. Is that weird considering everything you read so far? I do think so.  After that stopped a bright white spotlight from nowhere shines on me. This is where i’m going to make a list of everything and everyone I became. I shouted everything I became. Here’s the list:

1: I’m energy!
2: I’m Andy! (the guy who took me to the rave
where I got the tape that set this whole crazy
thing into motion.)
3: I’m black!
4: I’m love!
5: I’m everything!
6: I’m Woooooo!
7: I’m Ron!
8: I’m Andy (a different andy I knew from a couple
classes in high school. He was pretty cool.)
9: I’m…..
This is where my brother and his girlfriend
Tanisha came into the room to calm me down and
babysit me.
10: I’m a girl.
“You’re a girl?”, my brother asked. Tanisha
laughing and telling him to stop. He said “No, he’s
good. Watch.”
“Yeah i’m a girl.”, “Do you want a bra?” my
brother questioned. “No, I’m ok.”
“Do you want a dildo?”, I replied in a normal,
calm tone as if it were a valid question, “Nah,
I’m good.”
11: “I have a big dick.”. To which Tanisha said,”
You have a big dick?”. I said, “Yeah.”, in a non-
chalant way. I’ve never been one to brag about my
penis. I never thought to myself, ” Hey I have a
big dick.”. I’m not saying it small. It’s
perfectly proportionate to my body size. I go by
the results I get not by measurements. Just as
with my writing,  I may know it’s good but if the
reader likes it then I’m good to go. Same thing
with my penis except she doesn’t read it she rides
it. Ok enough about my member, back to the story.
12: I’m everything!
When my brother saw that the acid was fading to a degree at which I could be around other people he decides it’s time for us to join the three others and sit at the table in the kitchen. That’s where the beer, weed, (medicinal, wink wink. “Wink wink” means it wasn’t medicinal, but it was good medicine.), was. Tanisha went down to the kitchen first probably to warn everyone and to let them know I was calm. I bet she even said for them not to make sudden movements, loud noises or play music. Especially jungle music. If that’s what she said I agree with her. Along with many other aspects of the night we will never know for sure what was said. My brother makes me walk down the stairs before him to make sure I don’t turn around, run to my room and play music. He stands until I’m seated in a chair then he seats himself. Tanisha on my right, Ron directly in front of me on the opposite side of the table, Otis next to Ron and Shawn sitting at the end next to his girl and Otis. Poor, Poor, Lauren sitting at the end of the table was sitting right next to me. Apparently she was very scared and crying. I found this out a day or two after the event. Why was she crying? I didn’t even do anything. Here we have the entire group in silence for what seemed an eternity. Which in my perception it was. Soon everyone began chatting quietly so as not to get me going again. I looked at Ron and he morphed into Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, then a few seconds later he morphed into Marilyn Manson. Ok, that’s no problem. I love their music. I didn’t realize Otis was still there so lets forget about him for now. I look at Lauren and she morphed into my ex. The ex whom was my first everything. The ex who crushed my heart. I saw the ex but some part of me knew it was Lauren, but that didn’t stop me from screaming, “Lauren… …Is a BITCH!”. Hey, they both were bitches, ok? Anyway I know it was the ex I was yelling about. It pretty much was a case of an apple looking like an apple. In this particular case I saw a green sour apple that looked like a green sour apple. Get it? I know you do. After that I closed my eyes, began playing some kind of spelling game, and as I sat with my eyes closed I began to say everything that was going on around me. This is when the out-of-body experience started. Maybe it had been going on for a while because when I remember most of what I’ve told you I see myself from a certain angle and it never changes.


Next installment:
CHAPTER 5: “Blunt. I can spell it. B-L-U-N-T”













Tool cover:

OK people, I said this post was coming soon so here it is. I’ve decided to release this story in installments so here is Part 1. But first I have to set this story up a bit. This “bad” trip happened on my 19th birthday 2000, and I don’t really consider it bad because I learned things I didn’t know about. I saw many beautiful things and some frightening things as some of you may have read in my post “THE F’N DEVIOUS DEVIL”.  That really happened to me. The bad part was what everyone that was at the get-together had to go through. What I saw wasn’t what they saw. What they said to me wasn’t what I heard. Some of these things were told to me afterwards due to the fact that I was gone. I went to “The Matrix” and beyond and this is…




It was the year 2000, my 19th birthday. I didn’t get a flying car as a gift like The Jetsons, and the Discovery channel promised. It was Saturday, I think. It’s a miracle I remember anything at all. So what day it was isn’t important. My brother Shawn and I went to the mall. I couldn’t stop thinking about the festivities to come, ACID!. My favorite substance at the time. I spent a a lot of my time and brain cells on LSD in my teens. I loved it!  When I was tripping I truly felt like I was home. I was in my element as they say. Who are “they” anyway?  I bought myself a pair of these glasses that multiplied everything you looked and added a nice rainbow effect much like a prism, a CD, DJ Krush  which will be relevant later in the story. We also bought a case of beer of terrible quality for economic reasons. We drove home and began drinking immediately, as one often does.  I listened to the CD. I wasn’t impressed but it was pretty good. Slow, instrumental hip-hop beats. I was in the mood for music with hard-hitting, heart-racing, speed. But I was wating for the right moment to play that stuff so I warm up with DJ Krush.  I called my best friend I’ve known since the 4th grade, Ron. “Yo, dude what’s up? Everything ready?”, I said. “Yeah, I just have to pick up Lauren and Otis then I’ll be there.” “Fuck that! Come get me so we can take that shit, then we’ll pick them up.”, I responded very very quickly. So that’s what happened. He picked me up and we had to go back to his house. Because Ron being Ron he forgot the acid. “Happy birthday, man”, he cordially said as he handed me 3 sugar cubes. “Thank you!”. I was all smiles. He made cubes for his girl, Lauren and himself. He even let me chew on the plastic liquid breath freshener bottle the acid was in once he emptied it. For the readers who have tripped on acid you know it usually takes half an hour to kick in completely. Well that’s not what happened at all.


The onset and 2 good hours:

We had to make a stop at Pantie Snatcher‘s(this guy actually stole a pair of Ron’s cousin’s panties), house for some reason. It didn’t matter to me because in the 5 minute drive it took to get there. I was in full crazy-ass trip mode, but I was in control. HA HA! Yeah right. Faces, floors, and the fabric of space-time were moving. The patterns the gods used to create the universe were appearing to me once again. We left and picked up Otis and Lauren. The town I was from was so small we didn’t have a dollar store yet. I called every store in town to see if they had glow sticks. I needed the glow sticks. I was ready to dance and everyone was ready to watch. Anyway, I called the department store. “Hi, do you carry glow sticks?”. Remember I’m tripping my ass off struggling not to laugh at anything and everything. “Glue sticks? Let me transfer you to arts & crafts.”, “What the fuck? Dude they thought I said Glue sticks.”, I said to my friends whom all thought it was hilarious. I didn’t agree with them, but I laughed because the LSD told me I had to.  I was on a serious mission for some glow sticks or my night may be ruined. I found out the store had only glue sticks. I made Ron drive me to the skating rink which was the only place close enough to drive to. Safety first right? I walk into the rink. Instantly getting weird looks from junior high school kids and employees. Maybe I was giving them strange looks. We will never know who started with the looks. They probably thought I had a white, unmarked, windowless utility van in the parking lot.  I walk up to the window and ask the cashier, “Hey can I buy some glow sticks?”, “Glow sticks?”. Another strange look given to me. “Yeah, I know you have them can I just buy some and leave?” I replied in the straightest manner possible. “Sorry but they guy who’s in charge of the glow sticks and stuff like that won’t be here for another hour.”, “Never mind, thanks anyway.”. I left the building and told my friends what happened, and again they thought it was funny. No glow sticks for me.  Really? A specific person and that specific person alone has authority over the glow sticks? Fuck this town and it’s skating rink glow stick technician.  We returned to my house, which was actually my parents house. Luckily they were on vacation in Florida,(which is where I met my fiance about 11 years later in rehab. Oh universe, I love your methods.). I went upstairs to listen to some dark jungle. Here’s the link to the exact mix tape I listened to by Myster Mason.  If you like, download “State Side Warrior” for free and listen while you read. You’ll be able to hear the exact moment I had sex with the devil. As I was “saying”, I went up stairs, popped the cassette in the player and embarked on a “…one man infiltration mission…”. The only problem was I didn’t know I was on a mission to infiltrate the deepest, darkest, strangest yet beautiful parts of my mind.  The intro to the mix  tape plays. I hear and feel the build up waiting for some of the best scratch riffs, beats & bass I’ve ever heard then, boom! I was dancing like hell.  I was dodging bullets, fighting men in black suits, white shirts, black ties, and of course fashionable black sunglasses. Everyone knows you have to fight with black shades on right? If you’re the good guys since 1999, you damn well better have on : black leather, black vinyl, and a jacket or trench coat made of one or a combination of vinyl or leather.  I was yelling, “Wooooo! Yeah!”, and things of that nature. My friends whom I left downstairs came up and made go to the kitchen to chill with them. Which pissed me off, just a little. They were there to celebrate the fact that I was born so hanging out with them was the proper and polite thing to do. We sit at the kitchen table, roll and smoke a couple blunts.  All the while the music was calling me. I could hear it as clearly as if it were still playing. We finished one of the blunts as we laughed, reminisced about other times we were tripping, and spoke of what were each were experiencing at the moment. Until I suddenly hopped out of my chair and said “I gotta go! I can still hear the music, I’m sorry! Come to my room with me if you want!”. Someone replied “Come on, man. It’s hot up there.”. My parents’ house at the time was at least 90 years old. No central air. The only AC in the house was in the living room and my parents’ bedroom. Neither of those rooms had a cassette player and I had to listen to that Myster Mason tape. I got it from a rave one time I was tripping. I actually shoved the hell out of some girl to get the tape. They were throwing the cassettes into the crowd and that night was the first time I heard dark jungle. Not to mention it was the best night of my life back in those days. Sorry rave girl if you’re reading this, but I needed that tape. Why do people say “not to mention”, then mention whatever it was they weren’t going to mention? Sorry, back to the main story. I responded to my friends, “Whatever, but I have to listen to music and dance!”. I ran as fast as possible up the staircase, tripped, fell on the stairs and speedily crawled to the top.  Ron and Otis were both yelling for me, “Ryan! Yoooo! Ryan come back and chill man!”. I said nothing, slammed my door shut to increase the temperature in the room because I love sweating. Especially while dancing. The way I dance varies but tends to be sexual in nature and sweating makes the sexual aspect more realistic. I once almost had an orgasm while dancing. I’ll let your imagination run wild and guess what I was on when that happened. I pressed play on my cassette player, got my groove back like everyone seemed to be trying to do in those days, and BANG! BOOM! YESSSSSSSSS!  NOOOO!  I thought to myself while dancing like a madman. What I thought was this, ” I knew it. I knew The Matrix was about ravers and liquid.”. Many of you may know that there is a certain style of dancing called “liquid”, often utilizing glow sticks. I danced in such a feverish yet fluid way, sans glow sticks. I became the sound waves. The last coherent thing I remember doing was, and I swear I actually did, came as close as I physically could, or just thought I did this…

… Pretty cool right?  Well,  yes I thought so. Until everything else that followed.


The next installment starts with:


 “I’m in The Matrix! I can do what ever the fuck I want!”

Is everyone ready for the crazy part?

Please, comment on this post, and tell me if you want to read more.

I’m going to write it either way, but as you, my fellow wordpressers know it’s good to receive comments.

My second time in rehab:

Hi Everybody,

This is a non-fiction story. My first posted story. It’s the story of how my fiance seablackwithink and I met. So if you like a good romance, and sweetness read on. I’m positive that our story is film material. Not only film material but material for a great movie experience that isn’t the same old love story.

My second time in rehab:

Ok, lets go way back to the last week of December. 2011. I was on my monthly, 3 days without sleep or food  Adderall binge. My binge was always 3 days during which I would ingest 40 of the 30mg pills. I would play DjHero 1&2 for about 15 hours then listen to music and sketch things that scare me when I look at them sober. Then during the come down I would surf the internet,(yes i said “surf the internet”.), til I finally went to one of my favorite electronic musician’s (symbion project) website. That’s when I heard a most beautiiful song of his I hadn’t heard yet. I was completely hypnotized by the hauntingly wonderful sounds I was hearing. So melancholy, yet so uplifting. the song was “Like one returning from the waves”. It made me think of the extent my addiction had grown. The song spoke to me strongly. I cried, made up my mind, and called a drug rehabilitation facility in Florida.  A few days later I was on a plane heading to a rehab that was featured on a show about addiction. Awesome, right? I get to skip a month of winter, and pretty much be on vacation. Was I wrong? Yes… Yes I was. There is a ton of paperwork in a 12 step program. Ok, Lets skip to the last week of rehab. I walk into the office and see this beautiful, cutie sitting in the waiting area. I’m a bit shy so I sneaked some peeks using my powers of peripheral vision.  I went on doing what I was doing. That week I was community leader, and it was my job to welcome all the new comers. So I introduced myself and asked “how you feeling? Settling in ok?”. Things of that nature.   That’s when I met the best person I’ve ever had the great pleasure of meeting.  Seablackwithink, yes, yes, yes.  Later that evening a few of us were talking about God and i threw in some physics. That’s when she came over to join in. Once she and I started talking everything & everyone melted away.  We talked about many things. God, Physics, Music.  We played each other songs from our ipods and kept talking. The techs had to send us to bed way after lights out. We both knew something different and special had occurred.  Due to the fact that she had been sent to the wrong facility we only spent approximately 8 hours together, if that.  The next day we talked until she was moved to another facility. We spent the entire time talking. I got her contact info, carried some of her stuff to the van, and hugged her for the 1000th time that day. Then she was gone. She was all i could think about.

I completed my program at the facility a few days later and was picked up by my ex-wife/ex-girl friend. I know it sounds bad. Yes I was with someone, but it was a dead relationship. If you do beat a dead horse, you’ll have to give it up sooner or later. So we went to Disneyworld which I think sucks. I prefer Universal or Islands of Adventure. Anyway My ex was super jealous of any female friends I ever had. So anyway skip to March 2011. I knew Seablackwithink was out of rehab, so I called her and left a message, she called back my phone was off, then I called on break and we talked. It was great to hear her voice again. I wanted to hug her, hold her, and kiss her so bad. Sadly I was in NJ and she in TX. We began texting constantly. Telling each other how strongly we felt about one another and planned on discussing plans for me to move the the big old lone star state so we could be together. Well that plan had the biggest monkey wrench you could possible imagine thrown straight into it. My ex somehow hacked my email, and somehow unlocked my phone and saw things she didn’t want to see. In a dead sleep I was awakened by a screaming banshee who was beating her fist on the bed and my feet. I played dumb at first then I flipped out and denied, denied, denied.  I said things to seablackwithink that I regreted immediately and still regret. Pretty much I was being a big fat, stinky, pussy. I denied someone I knew deep down I loved and wanted to be with. I felt like a Judas, betraying seablack’s heart and my heart.  I didn’t really care about my ex, but with all the things I’d done to her in the 12 years (on and off), I guess i felt like I owed her something. From that day forth she knew I didn’t love her and vice versa. We we’re roommates. The main reason I let her move back in my apartment while I was in rehab was so when I got back I had somebody to help pay bills. I knew I would relapse and it’s a lot easier to party when someone helps with the bills.

Ok, moving on. In between March 2011 and July 2013, all I could think about was Seablack. I’m talking losing night after night of sleep, depression, and increased drug use. I lost my job and finally ended it with the ex with the heart of a grudge holding troll, and moved in with my parents, which is terrible at any age much less so at 31. I would get wasted and go to my email contacts and look at seablackwithinks picture. I felt like she was looking right through me, like she was saying, “You asshole.” Which as it turned out was just how I thought of myself for what I did. One night in July, my nuts finally descended and I said “Fuck it!”. I sent her an email apologizing for denying her and turning my back on her. She responded and said she forgave me right after it happened. This was a shock to me. Never have I met someone so forgiving and understanding. I told her that I never stopped thinking of her, let her know I had no expectations. We began emailing once she saw my intentions were good and that I was single and there would be nothing in the way should we decide to start over. We emailed and emailed. Sent each other songs that reminded us of one another. When we spoke on the phone we asked each other what we wanted to do. Thank the universe we were on the same page. We decided I’d move to TX, we got a plane ticket and on July 30th I landed in TX. I landed into the arms of the first person I ever truly loved. From the past I learned how not to love someone and what love isn’t. From my lovely fiance I’ve learned what it means to actually love someone. Now it’s October 1st, we’re engaged and i’ve never loved or felt love like what she and I have.  And I think of that song. The song that changed two peoples lives in such a profound way, that I had to write our story and include the importance of the role Symbion Project’s ” Like One Returning From The Waves” played in bringing us together.


Thanks to my Babygirl seablackwithink for everything and most of all for loving me in such a way I’ve never experienced.

Thanks to Kasson(Symbion Project) for writing “Like One Returning From The Waves”, and everything else you’ve written.