Chapter 3:

“I’m in The Matrix, I can do whatever the fuck I want!”

Ok, where was I?  I was in The Matrix which looked suspiciously like my bedroom. My bedroom was undergoing renovations from the time we moved in and wasn’t worked on or finished until a couple years after I moved out. The old plaster walls were multiple colors. Plaster grey and old-ass pink for some reason. The nicest part of the room was the hardwood floor, which I was laying on because after I dodged the bullets I fell on it. I began flopping around like a combination of someone having a seizure, (maybe I was, who knows or cares), and a proverbial fish. I spent an unknown amount of time doing this. It progressed into “break dancing” of some nature. I was trying to do head stands unsuccessfully and I hypothesize it was making quite a ruckus. How did I come to make this hypothesis?  I noticed Ron and Otis whom were both upside down along with everything else in sight, yelling at me with looks of horror on their faces. Keep in mind Ron was also tripping but evidently not as hard as I was. I immediately knew this due to the fact that I wasn’t the one giving strange looks to people. I’m sure my behavior warranted those looks.   “Ryan, what the fuck? Are you alright?”, was being shouted at me. Once everything was right side up again I got to my feet. That’s when the sound waves coming from any and all vocal cords traveled through the air, morphed into messages from god, entered my ear, vibrating the sterup and anvil which tapped my eardrum. My brain or rather the acid in my brain translated the vibrations into sounds and voices that came from the dimension where god lives,(or so I assumed).  The walls were now yellow and made out of cinder blocks.  I walked to the wall closest to my friends and started punching holes in the wall. What normal, functional, member of society wouldn’t in that situation? “Dude, what the fuck! Stop! Stop!”, they exclaimed. After the acid wore off they told me they said that, and you know what? I believe them. I paused for a moment just long enough to scream, ” I’m in The Matrix! I can do whatever the fuck I want!”. I followed that with things like: “Rrrraaahhh!” and “Grrrrrr!”, and of course with more punching of the wall. Otis and Ron were in shock. I suppose they didn’t know what to do other than stand there watching being as it were, to put it the way our British cousins across the sea would, this was all that they did. My brother came up stairs to see what was happening. First he shouted at them. “Why the fuck are you just standing there? Stop him!”, which was a pretty good question, he said pushing through them so he could shout at me. He threatened to “…fuck me up…”, orders me to go sit downstairs and calm down. So I did part of that. The joke was on him and the hole was in my bedroom wall. When the punching ended that hole was 2 or 3ft in diameter. I calmed down. A feat of great proportions in and of its self, took three very quick steps into the hallway then punched a few small holes in one of those walls. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. Why? I was training. Come on, I was in a war with machines that wanted me dead. How could I not train? “Yo bitch, stop. I’m serious. I’ll fuck you up if you keep doin’ that shit.” Shawn gets a great idea at this time, “Otis, grab his legs and put him in the bathtub!”. So that’s exactly what they did as I kicked and screamed repeatedly, “God’s biggest joke! God’s biggest joke!”. They threw me into the tub and not to gently from what I remember with my face directly under the faucet. The water flowing into my opens eyes looked pretty cool I must admit, but over all being water boarded by my friends and family was very unpleasent. LSD, Instinct and god all told me to “Get the heck outta there!”. From what I could gather god sounded much like myself in my head. That is not to say I’m god, but perhaps my own god for the night. I don’t know what the hell was going on. Anyway I climbed out of the tub to instantly have a towel thrown directly into my face which block my vision. In the darkness of the towel I saw many things not of this world or rather aspects of this world not to be seen by mortal eyes. Let me say this: I’ve always used Hallucinogens in a shamanic manner. You know consciousness expansion, get in touch with nature, reality and hopefully find out if god does exist. I don’t know if it was god I contacted that night but it was something. Perhaps the universe its self. Back to the narrative. I lunged towards my brother since he threw the towel in my face with my arms outstretched like Frankenstein’s monster. I finally i took the towel of my face and said, ” This is god’s room. This is love’s room. Can’t you feel it?”, and I actually calmed down on my own. My brother sent everyone but his girlfriend down stairs as I went into his room and stood there, looked at the box fan sitting on a footstool of something then I did the thing after Neo jumps into Agent Smith, explosion so on so on, then neo flexes and the walls move in the spherical energy waves. Well i flexed saw the room move in those waves of energy and punch the fan of the stool on to the floor. Making as sound like a child playing ninja, “yahhh!”  My brother tells me to lay down on the extra bed, which I did. And wrapped my arms around myself and began to have sex with the bed. Hey! It beats being raped by the devil or by anyone for that matter. Trust me. Everyone sees this, whispers among themselves, turn out the light,(bad move), and shut the door. The only whisper I could make out was, “Shhhh. Just let him be. he’ll be alright.”

Chapter 4:

“I’m everything!”

I’m the the dark bedroom all alone and feel pretty good. Other than my bloody hands from punching the walls, but I couldn’t even feel them. I was in a place of bliss and peace. I’m sure it was because I didn’t have 3 people yelling at me and telling what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Right now I was doing the bed for some reason I’ve yet to figure out. By doing the bed I mean I was fucking the bed. Is that weird considering everything you read so far? I do think so.  After that stopped a bright white spotlight from nowhere shines on me. This is where i’m going to make a list of everything and everyone I became. I shouted everything I became. Here’s the list:

1: I’m energy!
2: I’m Andy! (the guy who took me to the rave
where I got the tape that set this whole crazy
thing into motion.)
3: I’m black!
4: I’m love!
5: I’m everything!
6: I’m Woooooo!
7: I’m Ron!
8: I’m Andy (a different andy I knew from a couple
classes in high school. He was pretty cool.)
9: I’m…..
This is where my brother and his girlfriend
Tanisha came into the room to calm me down and
babysit me.
10: I’m a girl.
“You’re a girl?”, my brother asked. Tanisha
laughing and telling him to stop. He said “No, he’s
good. Watch.”
“Yeah i’m a girl.”, “Do you want a bra?” my
brother questioned. “No, I’m ok.”
“Do you want a dildo?”, I replied in a normal,
calm tone as if it were a valid question, “Nah,
I’m good.”
11: “I have a big dick.”. To which Tanisha said,”
You have a big dick?”. I said, “Yeah.”, in a non-
chalant way. I’ve never been one to brag about my
penis. I never thought to myself, ” Hey I have a
big dick.”. I’m not saying it small. It’s
perfectly proportionate to my body size. I go by
the results I get not by measurements. Just as
with my writing,  I may know it’s good but if the
reader likes it then I’m good to go. Same thing
with my penis except she doesn’t read it she rides
it. Ok enough about my member, back to the story.
12: I’m everything!
When my brother saw that the acid was fading to a degree at which I could be around other people he decides it’s time for us to join the three others and sit at the table in the kitchen. That’s where the beer, weed, (medicinal, wink wink. “Wink wink” means it wasn’t medicinal, but it was good medicine.), was. Tanisha went down to the kitchen first probably to warn everyone and to let them know I was calm. I bet she even said for them not to make sudden movements, loud noises or play music. Especially jungle music. If that’s what she said I agree with her. Along with many other aspects of the night we will never know for sure what was said. My brother makes me walk down the stairs before him to make sure I don’t turn around, run to my room and play music. He stands until I’m seated in a chair then he seats himself. Tanisha on my right, Ron directly in front of me on the opposite side of the table, Otis next to Ron and Shawn sitting at the end next to his girl and Otis. Poor, Poor, Lauren sitting at the end of the table was sitting right next to me. Apparently she was very scared and crying. I found this out a day or two after the event. Why was she crying? I didn’t even do anything. Here we have the entire group in silence for what seemed an eternity. Which in my perception it was. Soon everyone began chatting quietly so as not to get me going again. I looked at Ron and he morphed into Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, then a few seconds later he morphed into Marilyn Manson. Ok, that’s no problem. I love their music. I didn’t realize Otis was still there so lets forget about him for now. I look at Lauren and she morphed into my ex. The ex whom was my first everything. The ex who crushed my heart. I saw the ex but some part of me knew it was Lauren, but that didn’t stop me from screaming, “Lauren… …Is a BITCH!”. Hey, they both were bitches, ok? Anyway I know it was the ex I was yelling about. It pretty much was a case of an apple looking like an apple. In this particular case I saw a green sour apple that looked like a green sour apple. Get it? I know you do. After that I closed my eyes, began playing some kind of spelling game, and as I sat with my eyes closed I began to say everything that was going on around me. This is when the out-of-body experience started. Maybe it had been going on for a while because when I remember most of what I’ve told you I see myself from a certain angle and it never changes.


Next installment:
CHAPTER 5: “Blunt. I can spell it. B-L-U-N-T”













Tool cover:

OK people, I said this post was coming soon so here it is. I’ve decided to release this story in installments so here is Part 1. But first I have to set this story up a bit. This “bad” trip happened on my 19th birthday 2000, and I don’t really consider it bad because I learned things I didn’t know about. I saw many beautiful things and some frightening things as some of you may have read in my post “THE F’N DEVIOUS DEVIL”.  That really happened to me. The bad part was what everyone that was at the get-together had to go through. What I saw wasn’t what they saw. What they said to me wasn’t what I heard. Some of these things were told to me afterwards due to the fact that I was gone. I went to “The Matrix” and beyond and this is…




It was the year 2000, my 19th birthday. I didn’t get a flying car as a gift like The Jetsons, and the Discovery channel promised. It was Saturday, I think. It’s a miracle I remember anything at all. So what day it was isn’t important. My brother Shawn and I went to the mall. I couldn’t stop thinking about the festivities to come, ACID!. My favorite substance at the time. I spent a a lot of my time and brain cells on LSD in my teens. I loved it!  When I was tripping I truly felt like I was home. I was in my element as they say. Who are “they” anyway?  I bought myself a pair of these glasses that multiplied everything you looked and added a nice rainbow effect much like a prism, a CD, DJ Krush  which will be relevant later in the story. We also bought a case of beer of terrible quality for economic reasons. We drove home and began drinking immediately, as one often does.  I listened to the CD. I wasn’t impressed but it was pretty good. Slow, instrumental hip-hop beats. I was in the mood for music with hard-hitting, heart-racing, speed. But I was wating for the right moment to play that stuff so I warm up with DJ Krush.  I called my best friend I’ve known since the 4th grade, Ron. “Yo, dude what’s up? Everything ready?”, I said. “Yeah, I just have to pick up Lauren and Otis then I’ll be there.” “Fuck that! Come get me so we can take that shit, then we’ll pick them up.”, I responded very very quickly. So that’s what happened. He picked me up and we had to go back to his house. Because Ron being Ron he forgot the acid. “Happy birthday, man”, he cordially said as he handed me 3 sugar cubes. “Thank you!”. I was all smiles. He made cubes for his girl, Lauren and himself. He even let me chew on the plastic liquid breath freshener bottle the acid was in once he emptied it. For the readers who have tripped on acid you know it usually takes half an hour to kick in completely. Well that’s not what happened at all.


The onset and 2 good hours:

We had to make a stop at Pantie Snatcher‘s(this guy actually stole a pair of Ron’s cousin’s panties), house for some reason. It didn’t matter to me because in the 5 minute drive it took to get there. I was in full crazy-ass trip mode, but I was in control. HA HA! Yeah right. Faces, floors, and the fabric of space-time were moving. The patterns the gods used to create the universe were appearing to me once again. We left and picked up Otis and Lauren. The town I was from was so small we didn’t have a dollar store yet. I called every store in town to see if they had glow sticks. I needed the glow sticks. I was ready to dance and everyone was ready to watch. Anyway, I called the department store. “Hi, do you carry glow sticks?”. Remember I’m tripping my ass off struggling not to laugh at anything and everything. “Glue sticks? Let me transfer you to arts & crafts.”, “What the fuck? Dude they thought I said Glue sticks.”, I said to my friends whom all thought it was hilarious. I didn’t agree with them, but I laughed because the LSD told me I had to.  I was on a serious mission for some glow sticks or my night may be ruined. I found out the store had only glue sticks. I made Ron drive me to the skating rink which was the only place close enough to drive to. Safety first right? I walk into the rink. Instantly getting weird looks from junior high school kids and employees. Maybe I was giving them strange looks. We will never know who started with the looks. They probably thought I had a white, unmarked, windowless utility van in the parking lot.  I walk up to the window and ask the cashier, “Hey can I buy some glow sticks?”, “Glow sticks?”. Another strange look given to me. “Yeah, I know you have them can I just buy some and leave?” I replied in the straightest manner possible. “Sorry but they guy who’s in charge of the glow sticks and stuff like that won’t be here for another hour.”, “Never mind, thanks anyway.”. I left the building and told my friends what happened, and again they thought it was funny. No glow sticks for me.  Really? A specific person and that specific person alone has authority over the glow sticks? Fuck this town and it’s skating rink glow stick technician.  We returned to my house, which was actually my parents house. Luckily they were on vacation in Florida,(which is where I met my fiance about 11 years later in rehab. Oh universe, I love your methods.). I went upstairs to listen to some dark jungle. Here’s the link to the exact mix tape I listened to by Myster Mason.  If you like, download “State Side Warrior” for free and listen while you read. You’ll be able to hear the exact moment I had sex with the devil. As I was “saying”, I went up stairs, popped the cassette in the player and embarked on a “…one man infiltration mission…”. The only problem was I didn’t know I was on a mission to infiltrate the deepest, darkest, strangest yet beautiful parts of my mind.  The intro to the mix  tape plays. I hear and feel the build up waiting for some of the best scratch riffs, beats & bass I’ve ever heard then, boom! I was dancing like hell.  I was dodging bullets, fighting men in black suits, white shirts, black ties, and of course fashionable black sunglasses. Everyone knows you have to fight with black shades on right? If you’re the good guys since 1999, you damn well better have on : black leather, black vinyl, and a jacket or trench coat made of one or a combination of vinyl or leather.  I was yelling, “Wooooo! Yeah!”, and things of that nature. My friends whom I left downstairs came up and made go to the kitchen to chill with them. Which pissed me off, just a little. They were there to celebrate the fact that I was born so hanging out with them was the proper and polite thing to do. We sit at the kitchen table, roll and smoke a couple blunts.  All the while the music was calling me. I could hear it as clearly as if it were still playing. We finished one of the blunts as we laughed, reminisced about other times we were tripping, and spoke of what were each were experiencing at the moment. Until I suddenly hopped out of my chair and said “I gotta go! I can still hear the music, I’m sorry! Come to my room with me if you want!”. Someone replied “Come on, man. It’s hot up there.”. My parents’ house at the time was at least 90 years old. No central air. The only AC in the house was in the living room and my parents’ bedroom. Neither of those rooms had a cassette player and I had to listen to that Myster Mason tape. I got it from a rave one time I was tripping. I actually shoved the hell out of some girl to get the tape. They were throwing the cassettes into the crowd and that night was the first time I heard dark jungle. Not to mention it was the best night of my life back in those days. Sorry rave girl if you’re reading this, but I needed that tape. Why do people say “not to mention”, then mention whatever it was they weren’t going to mention? Sorry, back to the main story. I responded to my friends, “Whatever, but I have to listen to music and dance!”. I ran as fast as possible up the staircase, tripped, fell on the stairs and speedily crawled to the top.  Ron and Otis were both yelling for me, “Ryan! Yoooo! Ryan come back and chill man!”. I said nothing, slammed my door shut to increase the temperature in the room because I love sweating. Especially while dancing. The way I dance varies but tends to be sexual in nature and sweating makes the sexual aspect more realistic. I once almost had an orgasm while dancing. I’ll let your imagination run wild and guess what I was on when that happened. I pressed play on my cassette player, got my groove back like everyone seemed to be trying to do in those days, and BANG! BOOM! YESSSSSSSSS!  NOOOO!  I thought to myself while dancing like a madman. What I thought was this, ” I knew it. I knew The Matrix was about ravers and liquid.”. Many of you may know that there is a certain style of dancing called “liquid”, often utilizing glow sticks. I danced in such a feverish yet fluid way, sans glow sticks. I became the sound waves. The last coherent thing I remember doing was, and I swear I actually did, came as close as I physically could, or just thought I did this…

… Pretty cool right?  Well,  yes I thought so. Until everything else that followed.


The next installment starts with:


 “I’m in The Matrix! I can do what ever the fuck I want!”

Is everyone ready for the crazy part?

Please, comment on this post, and tell me if you want to read more.

I’m going to write it either way, but as you, my fellow wordpressers know it’s good to receive comments.

Goodbyes from friends. Greetings from Death.

Hey everyone.  Here is another poem from the past. Age 18 a month or 2 before I turned 19. Just a fun fact: On my 19th birthday I had an insane acid trip and thought I was in the matrix. There’s a lot to the trip story. Let me know if you would like to hear the full and strange story about the matrix trip and I’ll write it down, then post it. Anyway as I mentioned this is a poem from age 18. This one is called…

Goodbyes from friends. Greetings from Death. :

Spring to summer, dead leaves to snow.

You’re born then you die. We all have to go.

Accidents happen every day. Why do things have to be this way?

So many questions without answers. Such as “Do we ever really die?”

Going on with our lives wondering “Why?”

Too bad if you’re no good with goodbyes.

Inevitabilities that make everyone cry.

Goodbyes are worse when you know they’re coming.

A time frame within which the heart will cease drumming.

“Step right up! Get your ticket from death!”

It’s just to let you know when you will breathe your last breath.

He has kept close watch since you were a kid.

Like trapping fireflies in a jar with no lid.

We are death’s crops in endless fields.

It is always harvest season. Our souls His endless meal.

We all come and we all go.

Collapsing one after another, Flesh and bone dominos.

In the end do we remain blind?

I believe all the answers we crave we shall find.

He weaves between dimensions with his list of who to kill.

The hunter chases the rabbit for the thrill.

Infinite things I wish I knew.

I hope I learn them all when this life of mine is through.

Some things will be illuminated as I grow older.

Others will still glow dim and smolder.

At the end of the day death always knocks.

To collect the soul, leaving our families and friends with compost in a pretty wooden box.

To stand on your own grave you don’t have to go far.

Look below your feet there you are.


I wrote this when my father was mis-diagnosed and my family thought he didn’t have long to live. This poem in my opinion this poem is no where near my best. Let me know what you think.

Interpretation of Love

Hey everyone. Here is yet another one from age 18. This one I think (not to toot my own horn) is pretty good. I recently read this to my lovely lovely love, seablackwithink. She liked it which to me means it must be good. What surprises me is the age at which I wrote it and the truth it holds. Of course now my perception of love is much broader.

Ok, here it is:

Interpretation of Love:

As I sit alone in my room I think of a thing I want and need.

Something I once had, love a God sent seed.

A seed that makes your soul grow and thrive.

An emotion that makes it easier to be alive.

I crave it badly, yet I am still happy without it.

You have to love yourself, keep your flame lit.

Even with all your flaws. No one is perfect no one at all.

With love comes complications and responsibilities.

It’s not something that just happens it builds by degrees.

Trust, communication, and friendship.

All are needed but sometimes take a dip.

If it’s love 100% real you can make it through any negative ordeal.

Everyone in a relationship fights.

Sometimes things fall apart, sometimes you make it right.

True love always sticks.

A person doesn’t love if all they care about is pussy or dick.

You have to be able to tell the difference though it can be hard.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you love them if you have a picnic in the back yard.

Silver necklaces, bracelets, and flowers. Merely material things which have no real power.

Love comes from inside. Mind, body and heart.

If you love someone you must love every part.

Including their shortcomings and problems.

You can’t get tired of it or turn your back on them.

Love is an emotion many throw around.

Often it can be found lying in the fetal position.

Defiled by the others ambitions.

Be careful with the center of a humans being.

Cherish the one you’re seeing.

They could be the best for you or possibly the worst.

You see? It can be so confusing you feel like you’re going to burst.

All you can do is mean it, and try your best.

Listen to me on this one. Don’t think your unity is better than the rest.

Love is surely this world’s most difficult test.

There you have it. Love as seen through the eyes of an 18 year old experiencing his first heartbreak.

Damage and Repair

Hey everyone, This is another one from when I was 18. It’s the 4th poem I’ve ever written. The first three were destroyed in the washing machine after I left them in my pocket. Oh well, this one is darker than my previous posts. Here goes…


Damage and Repair:

Reality is closing down.  Can’t tell if I smile or frown.  All these things surround.  Inside my head they pound.  In chemicals they drown.  Like smeared make up of a clown.   I’m on my way down.  Just go around, around and around.

Where am I bound to be?  What is my destiny? What will make me see?  What can set me free?  Self-worth equivalent to a flea. What is to become of me? Like a tree with roots that are rotting, twisted, and tangled.  Like an insect dying, decaying, and mangled.  What are these feelings? Do they have meanings?  Reflect teachings and preaching?  Some needed goal I’m not reaching?

I sink so low into myself.  A dusty book on the shelf. My thoughts are my only wealth.Bitter pills deteriorate my health.  Must open my eyes.  Have to look to the skies.  I must try.  I will not let myself die. Goodbye to all the lies.  That you put inside.  That i wouldn’t allow myself to find. No longer will I remain blind.  You had so many things up your sleeve.  No more being naive.  I’m glad you made me leave. These things I say, I truly believe. I shall no longer grieve.

I was letting life slip, but now i have a slight grip. My time spent with you was rip. Poisonous lips.  My love for you which was oh so great. Is now a septic tank of hate. My feelings you raped. My heart you scraped.

You took my innocence.  You stole my pride.  You never truly wanted me, you lied and i cried.  Now I see I’m the one who tried. I was probably right about all those things you denied.

After all these events i keep a smile on my face.  Inside of me, what you did ripped opened a tiny space.  I wish I found it without you, but it let’s me leave this place. Fills my soul with grace.  It is something you can not deface.  It comes from a wonderfully mysterious place. It can not be replaced.


Yeah, well.  There it is.  A bit uneven, just like life. The waves are either in ebb or flow.   










It Is There

What’s up everyone? Just chillin’ here. This post is an oldie from when I was 18. Just so happens it has a connection with my first post, sort of, i guess. You tell me.

Ok here it goes.

It Is There:

Close your eyes and let it take your soul.

Lose all sense of the world, gain spiritual control.

Lifts spirit, hope, and feelings past the clouds.

Nothing but silence while the music inside is oh so loud.

Temporary freedom, one with all, but eventually you must fall.

But it stays with you where ever you are.

Going some place near and no matter how far.

Constantly flowing through you when you’re sad.

It doesn’t stop even when you’re mad.

It follows you when you take a step.

No need to look back it still hasn’t left.

It’s there for you when you’re friends aren’t

Comforts you when you’re in the dark.

If you listen you can hear it.

It’s a part of you don’t fear it.

When you’re hurt and try to hide.

It’s embracing you from the inside.

It’s your best friend.

There from beginning to end.

There when you die, there when you were born.

It doesn’t run when your life begins to storm.

Together forever, thick and thin.

After you’ve had sex, and when you were a virgin.

It produces visions, spawns purity.

It’s the endless thing, gives you clarity.

There the first time you fell off your bike.

When you first heard someone on a mic.

Can not be contaminated or rearranged.

Something so obvious, yet so strange.

Everyone has it, but does everyone see?

Once it’s found it grows like a tree.

It knows all about you. Even things you don’t.

Shouldn’t try to make it go away, cause it won’t.

You have to use it the way it was meant.

If you let it sit it will ferment.

It’s with you when you’re grey and old.

It’s there when you need someone to hold.

It’s something you will always have.

When you start slipping it’s there to grab.

It’s all things and individual.

It’s abstract and invisible.

It whispers in your ear.

So distant, yet so clear.

If you can’t feel it you will. It’s waiting up ahead.

It transcends heart and soul.

Just think about the things I have said.